Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
