Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just want to make out with him forever
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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