I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
