Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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