do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
