we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
