Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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