I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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