Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
