well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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