There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
