I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
