i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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