i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
