what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
