My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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