She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My breasts were aching with rage.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
