dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
