mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
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You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
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Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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