the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
