Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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