I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
