mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She told me I should be a condom model.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
