I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Send help, water and tortillas.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize