I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You made out with two different species that night
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He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.