just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
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TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????