No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says