i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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