Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
