i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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