Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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