when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
