Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
