Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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