God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
