put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
