Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
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