my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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