Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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