Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
