but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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