That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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