when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
