nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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