i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
