I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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