I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
