Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
