we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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