They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You smell like stripper and shame
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
