You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
