DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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