i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
