I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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