I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
