I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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