i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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