my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
