Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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