and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
