my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
